dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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