There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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