She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I will be naked everywhere
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
