are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
