The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
