i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
