You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
