Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
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The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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