He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
She's not a foreskin expert like you
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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