he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
