And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
false alarm. still invincible.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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