just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
