My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
