I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
