So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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