Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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