Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
