I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
