so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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