onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My balls are so social today.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
