The maid of honor just puked.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
