i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
