My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
