dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
