please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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