bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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