Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
