just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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