Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
