I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
