I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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