Yo dont text me then not text me
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
