I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
she looked like the before picture.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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