dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize