a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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