i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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