Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
