He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
