I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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