you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
