Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
