Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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