i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
