whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
