So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
