My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
