Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
