I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
