I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
what day is it and did you see me today?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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