before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
