it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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