I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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