So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
