My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
