help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
