If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize