I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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