I feel great
I just peed on a car
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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