At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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